Tenth Time For Her

The Journey Onwards - 17th October

Oh just trust me, it is not one of those greatest of things to be stuck in the airport for about ten hours, with nothing to do and no fags to entertain yourself with. It is ridiculous on my part to be actually be putting myself in such a sorry shit. This is not to say that J.D.Salinger is not one of the coolest reads, but that is only when u r not as shifty as me… being me, it is really difficult to be putting upto more than a sixty page without a break. I have been trying to get through to a power point for this laptop of mine… lousy airport almost all the points are screwed up… spent an hour sitting outside the terminal and smoking away the remaining of my two fags… and contemplating that I shall not be able to do that for the coming week… God!! Not a single one… How am I to be surviving the ordeal… I am hungry and that I am not exactly loaded at this moment with cash… there is a CCD right across from the seat where I have parked my ass for the rest of the ten hour wait… am a sly bastard… just waiting to get home to get some cash as well to pay off the debts that I have… now from here do not assume too much… I am not a spendthrift or something… I got myself in this sorry mess of money matters just in an attempt to prove to my folks that my carrying cost is not that high. In fact I just don’t wanna give them a reason to punch me at my gut for not getting a GPA above 8… that is simply out of question. I would rather spend a more rigorous life without food and booze than waste it on some stupid GPA… I am much more than that…

I guess something is surely very wrong with me… this time as I am going back to Kolkata, it is not the hundred percent of me that is having this overwhelming happiness for the event… this is not to say that I do not wanna go back… but just that I am not totally gaga over this… guess, people change with time… and that I have. Half of me wanted to stay back at the university… I dunno perhaps the crazy schedule also affords some kind of a security that is totally not there as I take this way back home… my life, its uncertainties, its romanticism for Bohemia is all perhaps personified by the university life… man, I miss it… I miss the late night bakchodis, I miss the all so many weird people… I miss the little duties that have been entrusted upon me – waking people up… cant let go off this beloved alarm clock duty of mine… called up Gop even today as I sat on the pavement outside the terminal… only the guy was up and hogging at the mess…

I always thought that educated India has gone beyond that phase of having too many children. Just at this point sitting right infront of me is a couple with four kids…. Fuck!! Four. How do hey manage for heaven’s sake… and all of them girls… and the parents look all too educated… educated my foot… rabbitish fools.

The CCD sandwiches and coffee is really beckoning me… but I have promised myself that I shall not be allowing that grab before noon… and it is only 9 20… fine I shall survive… I plan to catch a movie and move on to Kolkata… lets see.. shall definitely add up to let know about the outcome… remember I am all too shifty to be actually abiding by a plan even though it is me who has formulated it… hahaha… [;-D]

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Okay it is eleven only now, I could not hold it any longer and so I have got a sandwich for my self… the damn paneer sandwich is 79 bucks… anyday I shall prefer our good old Janta over this rubbish…

To make things worse, some guy just came over from nowhere to plug out the charge point from my laptop claiming that the power source is not meant for this but something else. Fuck them all!!!! So here I guess will be the end of the writing part of the journey… I m already half way through the thing… spent more than four hours already… just when I was planning to catch a movie on ma laptop that this had to happen…

I guess it is right as well in someway or the other… it is time again to do some justice to good ole Salinger…

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Okay it is now about 3 10, and there is still some two hours for the flight. I have security checked in and all and have perhaps got one of the window seats with that smile of mine. [;)] Now there is really some updates to be registered for the intervening three hours. At the very beginning it is a happy note to update that I have once more got hold of a power source for my laptop…

Okay the first one and a half hours after I shut down my lappy had been one those the boring times I have been through. Had nothing else to do and just sat there with my sandwich and ate it with all the finesse that I could muster. Decided to take out the book once more… but just that I was not in the right mood for it. Kept on dozing off in between. Those on and off kind off doses of dozings. I could see new faces around me. The old crowd have got through the boarding and perhaps by now have even reached their destinations and here I am all stuck up. A gang of foreigners then gathered around me at the lobby. They were pleasant and not very showy and flashy kind of. In fact a bunch of elderly people. But since I could not strike up a conversation, it meant nothing to me. To my right the seats were occupied by a group of four young guys. I did not like them at all… but again I am judging by appearances. They were precisely the kind of people I usually dislike at the first glance… giggling, showy, talking in crude Hindi… just yuck. So I kept dozing on and off.

Finally at around 12 30 I decided that I had had enough of this boredom, so decided to just move out of the airport to have a smoke, after all how long am I supposed to be without them, specially left all to myself, bored.

Walked up to the gate, but was intercepted by the guard there.

Bhaiyan ekbar jaane dijiye na, Flight to sham ko hai.

To andar kya kar rahe hain.

Arre! Jaye to kaha jaye. Isliye aa gaye iha pe…

Phir andar hi rahiye…

Fine man, there’s exactly where I have been keeping. But I had no intention of going back to my old seat, specially as that bunch of stupids kept on ogling me as I was having this ‘beautiful’ time at the gate to get out of the place for a while. I walked to the other end of the lobby to find a Baskin Robbins counter. Aha! Ice-creams can cool me off for a while, but there is some four and a half more hours to spend in this god damn place.

I sat in front of one of those tourist shops selling one and everything from cigarettes to books. Finished my alphonso flavored ice-cream taking as much of time as possible but not letting my thing becoming a milkshake in place of ice-cream.

It is then that it caught my eye, right in front of me was a board for a lounge and a bar, and luckily enough it was open. There could have been no doubt as to my next course of action. Just walked in through the door… the AC was strong… seemed like a pretty cool place, and for my boredom I was ready to shell out anything for a beer and a few fags.

The guy at the place informed me that although smoking is allowed, there are no smokes with them, and that I had to get it for myself from the bookshop just outside. I walked out to get a pack… Gold Flakes at last.

Ordered for a beer and sat down in one of the corners. In fact I had to share my table with one of the other passengers as there were only a few tables in the smoking area. The guy seemed a great company, precisely the sort I would have liked at the moment, did not utter a word, the suited up gentleman was busy with his own beer and was engrossed in his laptop. One table from my seat, there was this one lady, seemed like a foreigner to me had been using an IBM… hahaha, it reminded me of Gop and his immense obsession with his IBM, the poor guy must be just through his Economics test…. This is one respite, I need not be giving all those crappy tests all through the week.

The gentleman at my table soon left paying his bills. And I was joined by a young guy, who seemed to be travelling alone as well, and suited the timing as he as well did not spend a word with me… it is not that I do not like to be alone to myself, just that I should not get bored, and with a beer, smokes and Salinger there was no chance of that.

Soon one more chap joined us. I guy in his mid thirties it seemed. He came to the table for the same reason as mine – due to the scarcity of seats in the smoking zone. But this guy seemed like one of those phonies who are always putting on a show to prove a point, which God knows what actually is. Immediately as he joined the table, he received a call and started talking in one of those fake foreign accents which pisses me off to any extent. I simply do not get to fathom the fact why people actually need an accent to be sported. And yes I eavesdropped a bit on the conversation over the phone, in fact I needed not to eavesdrop – if someone sits across the table and talks even normally then also the conversation is bound to enter your ears.

One funny thing was happening all the time. Time and again, the Kingfisher airlines cute chicks were checking on the passengers and letting them know about the flight that was boarding and stuff. The show off guy was over eager, or so it seemed to me, to let the others know that he is heading for Mumbai. When the lady asked me if I was heading for Poona, I decided to just say no, never letting the others know where I am heading. Creating this odd aura of some mystery about myself is one of the age old habits of mine and I kind of like it, though deep down some where I know that it is kind of sasta. But who the hell cares, I just want to have some entertainment for myself as I sit there drinking my beer and fagging one stick after the other.

The oversmart guy and the other one struck up a conversation over a matchbox that the smartass had to borrow. Subsequently as the bloke wanted a fag from the other guy which he did not have I thought that it shall be fun to offer him one from my pack. I did so, and was drawn into the conversation quicksand. I kept mostly to ‘Yes’es and ‘No’s and smiles coz for some reason I did not like the idea about taking to the fellow. I know even this is cheap in a way to be acting pricey and all, but I just cant keep blabbering to someone whom I don’t really like.

The beer and all just reminded me of Vish a lot. It would have been fun if he had been around. It is just a matter of getting him high to be talking about one and all things. It is fun. Felt like calling him up. But again I am running a bit low on balance after Mokka spent almost the whole of the balance the night we made up our differences. But I am happy that he did that, it showed that there is no longer any coldness between the two of us. I am happy. I do not exactly have any girlfriend to spend the balance on… so it is not an issue for me with the balance. In fact it is good that I shall be getting the money back in cash, which I desperately need… Evil I am. Hahaha.

It happened that the oversmart had to leave before the other one. So subsequently I started talking to the guy. It was not about any topic as such… general stuff about what we did and studied and where he worked. Honestly, I do not even remember what he said about all that stuff. He was pleasant to talk to. It is always great fun to have company over a beer and as you are downing some nine cigarettes. He also borrowed some two fags from me, and I did not mind that.

However I guess no one at the airport was actually putting up over there for ten hours. So soon it was time for him to leave. But by this time I have already spent some one and a half hours at the bar. Worth the time. After the guy left, I was left with about half a glass of beer… I was taking it a bit slow… I had to kill time somehow. A lady joined in at the table next with her laptop and a cup of tea. And guess the make of the laptop. Yes! IBM… it seems that everything in my life is so linked up with NLU… if only I could have giggled to myself, would have loved it. Gop would have certainly liked the idea of being surrounded by IBMs, but they indeed do have lousy speakers – the one thing I am proud of in my lousy laptop. By 3 05, I have downed my beer and some ten fags and had paid the dirty costly 480 bucks for those two bottles of Kingfisher Lager. Am I growing into a perfect German or what, I’ll tell you why. I have not had a single gulp of water since last evening but here I am throating beer… even when I preferred other drinks to it much more. [;D]

I checked in after that, and as I said managed a window seat… and at the time when I am finishing typing this ramblings of ‘nothings’ or ‘for nothings’, it is already 4 15 almost. I have doused the lousy time. And yes there is one good thing about such a long wait, you get to see sexy airhostesses, cool passengers, some of them hot and steaming and yes, you do get to have beer if you know exactly where to look for it.

It is now just a wait of two hours… and I shall be there right in the middle of a hustle of activities, the exact thing for which I am taking the pain of this excruciating long wait…

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Oh! Wait, I am here again to make one more last entry to this one, in the form of a post script. As my wait was coming to an end and I was packing my things up, there came this voice from the PAS. The flight is delayed by forty five minutes. Fuck these bitches. Man not again. But I guess I have to bear this much, though I understand that I shall be missing a few ceremonies at the very beginning of the festival. Adios, now. I am too bugged…. Can’t think of anything else at the point…

Off the Hook....

I am weary....

PS: The post script is longer than the post itself, coz this is my attempt to create the blank canvas of the artist, which can mean a whole lotta things, and nuthing at all....

Wrenched

I knew it, just never realised it... A few things are granted to you just because u hav been a successful actor..one who can put up a show of bravery and courage.. U might lose a lot on the way, but u stand tall to gain some at least.. And when u pull down that curtain u again gain a few things, like the throbbing of a true soul that cares, but u also lose out on some accounts.. The gifts that were allotted on the assumption of the 'act' are somewhy taken back.. These are the moments u actually do not feel like going back to explain the the thin line that exists between the act and the person.. It might sound defensive but can't really help, that it must be proper to at least give a thought that it is actually the same person playing both the roles.. It is just too hard to distinguish between the two characters and discard one as the unreal..

I know now, once the gift had been taken back, that it was meant for the other me which could at all prices maintain the outer facade... Perhaps it will do that from now on.. But only perhaps coz moments of desperation loom large... I guess it is just time for me to finish this play and start a new one.. But do not know for sure whether the time is ripe.. My job is over.. Just groping for the restart button..

A word of gratitude to you and to all those who made the play a success..

Datta, Damyata, Dayadham,
Shantih, Shantih, Shantih....

Today

O King in what form do you appear today,

Amidst the kingdom of my heart,

The lakhs of moons and suns die of shame beneath thy feet.

All the pride crumbles as it cedes;

My whole body and judgement is plucked like the strings of the veena.

A blissful affliction flows in the breeze today,

As all the flowers of the garden take refuge at thy feet.

My unblinking gaze fails to take note of this world

When I stare within at the reigning bliss.