Tenth Time For Her

The Journey Onwards - 17th October

Oh just trust me, it is not one of those greatest of things to be stuck in the airport for about ten hours, with nothing to do and no fags to entertain yourself with. It is ridiculous on my part to be actually be putting myself in such a sorry shit. This is not to say that J.D.Salinger is not one of the coolest reads, but that is only when u r not as shifty as me… being me, it is really difficult to be putting upto more than a sixty page without a break. I have been trying to get through to a power point for this laptop of mine… lousy airport almost all the points are screwed up… spent an hour sitting outside the terminal and smoking away the remaining of my two fags… and contemplating that I shall not be able to do that for the coming week… God!! Not a single one… How am I to be surviving the ordeal… I am hungry and that I am not exactly loaded at this moment with cash… there is a CCD right across from the seat where I have parked my ass for the rest of the ten hour wait… am a sly bastard… just waiting to get home to get some cash as well to pay off the debts that I have… now from here do not assume too much… I am not a spendthrift or something… I got myself in this sorry mess of money matters just in an attempt to prove to my folks that my carrying cost is not that high. In fact I just don’t wanna give them a reason to punch me at my gut for not getting a GPA above 8… that is simply out of question. I would rather spend a more rigorous life without food and booze than waste it on some stupid GPA… I am much more than that…

I guess something is surely very wrong with me… this time as I am going back to Kolkata, it is not the hundred percent of me that is having this overwhelming happiness for the event… this is not to say that I do not wanna go back… but just that I am not totally gaga over this… guess, people change with time… and that I have. Half of me wanted to stay back at the university… I dunno perhaps the crazy schedule also affords some kind of a security that is totally not there as I take this way back home… my life, its uncertainties, its romanticism for Bohemia is all perhaps personified by the university life… man, I miss it… I miss the late night bakchodis, I miss the all so many weird people… I miss the little duties that have been entrusted upon me – waking people up… cant let go off this beloved alarm clock duty of mine… called up Gop even today as I sat on the pavement outside the terminal… only the guy was up and hogging at the mess…

I always thought that educated India has gone beyond that phase of having too many children. Just at this point sitting right infront of me is a couple with four kids…. Fuck!! Four. How do hey manage for heaven’s sake… and all of them girls… and the parents look all too educated… educated my foot… rabbitish fools.

The CCD sandwiches and coffee is really beckoning me… but I have promised myself that I shall not be allowing that grab before noon… and it is only 9 20… fine I shall survive… I plan to catch a movie and move on to Kolkata… lets see.. shall definitely add up to let know about the outcome… remember I am all too shifty to be actually abiding by a plan even though it is me who has formulated it… hahaha… [;-D]

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Okay it is eleven only now, I could not hold it any longer and so I have got a sandwich for my self… the damn paneer sandwich is 79 bucks… anyday I shall prefer our good old Janta over this rubbish…

To make things worse, some guy just came over from nowhere to plug out the charge point from my laptop claiming that the power source is not meant for this but something else. Fuck them all!!!! So here I guess will be the end of the writing part of the journey… I m already half way through the thing… spent more than four hours already… just when I was planning to catch a movie on ma laptop that this had to happen…

I guess it is right as well in someway or the other… it is time again to do some justice to good ole Salinger…

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Okay it is now about 3 10, and there is still some two hours for the flight. I have security checked in and all and have perhaps got one of the window seats with that smile of mine. [;)] Now there is really some updates to be registered for the intervening three hours. At the very beginning it is a happy note to update that I have once more got hold of a power source for my laptop…

Okay the first one and a half hours after I shut down my lappy had been one those the boring times I have been through. Had nothing else to do and just sat there with my sandwich and ate it with all the finesse that I could muster. Decided to take out the book once more… but just that I was not in the right mood for it. Kept on dozing off in between. Those on and off kind off doses of dozings. I could see new faces around me. The old crowd have got through the boarding and perhaps by now have even reached their destinations and here I am all stuck up. A gang of foreigners then gathered around me at the lobby. They were pleasant and not very showy and flashy kind of. In fact a bunch of elderly people. But since I could not strike up a conversation, it meant nothing to me. To my right the seats were occupied by a group of four young guys. I did not like them at all… but again I am judging by appearances. They were precisely the kind of people I usually dislike at the first glance… giggling, showy, talking in crude Hindi… just yuck. So I kept dozing on and off.

Finally at around 12 30 I decided that I had had enough of this boredom, so decided to just move out of the airport to have a smoke, after all how long am I supposed to be without them, specially left all to myself, bored.

Walked up to the gate, but was intercepted by the guard there.

Bhaiyan ekbar jaane dijiye na, Flight to sham ko hai.

To andar kya kar rahe hain.

Arre! Jaye to kaha jaye. Isliye aa gaye iha pe…

Phir andar hi rahiye…

Fine man, there’s exactly where I have been keeping. But I had no intention of going back to my old seat, specially as that bunch of stupids kept on ogling me as I was having this ‘beautiful’ time at the gate to get out of the place for a while. I walked to the other end of the lobby to find a Baskin Robbins counter. Aha! Ice-creams can cool me off for a while, but there is some four and a half more hours to spend in this god damn place.

I sat in front of one of those tourist shops selling one and everything from cigarettes to books. Finished my alphonso flavored ice-cream taking as much of time as possible but not letting my thing becoming a milkshake in place of ice-cream.

It is then that it caught my eye, right in front of me was a board for a lounge and a bar, and luckily enough it was open. There could have been no doubt as to my next course of action. Just walked in through the door… the AC was strong… seemed like a pretty cool place, and for my boredom I was ready to shell out anything for a beer and a few fags.

The guy at the place informed me that although smoking is allowed, there are no smokes with them, and that I had to get it for myself from the bookshop just outside. I walked out to get a pack… Gold Flakes at last.

Ordered for a beer and sat down in one of the corners. In fact I had to share my table with one of the other passengers as there were only a few tables in the smoking area. The guy seemed a great company, precisely the sort I would have liked at the moment, did not utter a word, the suited up gentleman was busy with his own beer and was engrossed in his laptop. One table from my seat, there was this one lady, seemed like a foreigner to me had been using an IBM… hahaha, it reminded me of Gop and his immense obsession with his IBM, the poor guy must be just through his Economics test…. This is one respite, I need not be giving all those crappy tests all through the week.

The gentleman at my table soon left paying his bills. And I was joined by a young guy, who seemed to be travelling alone as well, and suited the timing as he as well did not spend a word with me… it is not that I do not like to be alone to myself, just that I should not get bored, and with a beer, smokes and Salinger there was no chance of that.

Soon one more chap joined us. I guy in his mid thirties it seemed. He came to the table for the same reason as mine – due to the scarcity of seats in the smoking zone. But this guy seemed like one of those phonies who are always putting on a show to prove a point, which God knows what actually is. Immediately as he joined the table, he received a call and started talking in one of those fake foreign accents which pisses me off to any extent. I simply do not get to fathom the fact why people actually need an accent to be sported. And yes I eavesdropped a bit on the conversation over the phone, in fact I needed not to eavesdrop – if someone sits across the table and talks even normally then also the conversation is bound to enter your ears.

One funny thing was happening all the time. Time and again, the Kingfisher airlines cute chicks were checking on the passengers and letting them know about the flight that was boarding and stuff. The show off guy was over eager, or so it seemed to me, to let the others know that he is heading for Mumbai. When the lady asked me if I was heading for Poona, I decided to just say no, never letting the others know where I am heading. Creating this odd aura of some mystery about myself is one of the age old habits of mine and I kind of like it, though deep down some where I know that it is kind of sasta. But who the hell cares, I just want to have some entertainment for myself as I sit there drinking my beer and fagging one stick after the other.

The oversmart guy and the other one struck up a conversation over a matchbox that the smartass had to borrow. Subsequently as the bloke wanted a fag from the other guy which he did not have I thought that it shall be fun to offer him one from my pack. I did so, and was drawn into the conversation quicksand. I kept mostly to ‘Yes’es and ‘No’s and smiles coz for some reason I did not like the idea about taking to the fellow. I know even this is cheap in a way to be acting pricey and all, but I just cant keep blabbering to someone whom I don’t really like.

The beer and all just reminded me of Vish a lot. It would have been fun if he had been around. It is just a matter of getting him high to be talking about one and all things. It is fun. Felt like calling him up. But again I am running a bit low on balance after Mokka spent almost the whole of the balance the night we made up our differences. But I am happy that he did that, it showed that there is no longer any coldness between the two of us. I am happy. I do not exactly have any girlfriend to spend the balance on… so it is not an issue for me with the balance. In fact it is good that I shall be getting the money back in cash, which I desperately need… Evil I am. Hahaha.

It happened that the oversmart had to leave before the other one. So subsequently I started talking to the guy. It was not about any topic as such… general stuff about what we did and studied and where he worked. Honestly, I do not even remember what he said about all that stuff. He was pleasant to talk to. It is always great fun to have company over a beer and as you are downing some nine cigarettes. He also borrowed some two fags from me, and I did not mind that.

However I guess no one at the airport was actually putting up over there for ten hours. So soon it was time for him to leave. But by this time I have already spent some one and a half hours at the bar. Worth the time. After the guy left, I was left with about half a glass of beer… I was taking it a bit slow… I had to kill time somehow. A lady joined in at the table next with her laptop and a cup of tea. And guess the make of the laptop. Yes! IBM… it seems that everything in my life is so linked up with NLU… if only I could have giggled to myself, would have loved it. Gop would have certainly liked the idea of being surrounded by IBMs, but they indeed do have lousy speakers – the one thing I am proud of in my lousy laptop. By 3 05, I have downed my beer and some ten fags and had paid the dirty costly 480 bucks for those two bottles of Kingfisher Lager. Am I growing into a perfect German or what, I’ll tell you why. I have not had a single gulp of water since last evening but here I am throating beer… even when I preferred other drinks to it much more. [;D]

I checked in after that, and as I said managed a window seat… and at the time when I am finishing typing this ramblings of ‘nothings’ or ‘for nothings’, it is already 4 15 almost. I have doused the lousy time. And yes there is one good thing about such a long wait, you get to see sexy airhostesses, cool passengers, some of them hot and steaming and yes, you do get to have beer if you know exactly where to look for it.

It is now just a wait of two hours… and I shall be there right in the middle of a hustle of activities, the exact thing for which I am taking the pain of this excruciating long wait…

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Oh! Wait, I am here again to make one more last entry to this one, in the form of a post script. As my wait was coming to an end and I was packing my things up, there came this voice from the PAS. The flight is delayed by forty five minutes. Fuck these bitches. Man not again. But I guess I have to bear this much, though I understand that I shall be missing a few ceremonies at the very beginning of the festival. Adios, now. I am too bugged…. Can’t think of anything else at the point…

Off the Hook....

I am weary....

PS: The post script is longer than the post itself, coz this is my attempt to create the blank canvas of the artist, which can mean a whole lotta things, and nuthing at all....

Wrenched

I knew it, just never realised it... A few things are granted to you just because u hav been a successful actor..one who can put up a show of bravery and courage.. U might lose a lot on the way, but u stand tall to gain some at least.. And when u pull down that curtain u again gain a few things, like the throbbing of a true soul that cares, but u also lose out on some accounts.. The gifts that were allotted on the assumption of the 'act' are somewhy taken back.. These are the moments u actually do not feel like going back to explain the the thin line that exists between the act and the person.. It might sound defensive but can't really help, that it must be proper to at least give a thought that it is actually the same person playing both the roles.. It is just too hard to distinguish between the two characters and discard one as the unreal..

I know now, once the gift had been taken back, that it was meant for the other me which could at all prices maintain the outer facade... Perhaps it will do that from now on.. But only perhaps coz moments of desperation loom large... I guess it is just time for me to finish this play and start a new one.. But do not know for sure whether the time is ripe.. My job is over.. Just groping for the restart button..

A word of gratitude to you and to all those who made the play a success..

Datta, Damyata, Dayadham,
Shantih, Shantih, Shantih....

Today

O King in what form do you appear today,

Amidst the kingdom of my heart,

The lakhs of moons and suns die of shame beneath thy feet.

All the pride crumbles as it cedes;

My whole body and judgement is plucked like the strings of the veena.

A blissful affliction flows in the breeze today,

As all the flowers of the garden take refuge at thy feet.

My unblinking gaze fails to take note of this world

When I stare within at the reigning bliss.

The Way of Being - Party Hard...

Happy Birthday Gop

Detached Responsibility

It is a bit oxymoronic, to be discussing these two words, one being followed by the other, coz at least to me they stand for spirits that are totally apart from one another, although might not be antagonistic. And here I go rambling once more…

I wonder why I am in the first place trying to get these two words together – perhaps I guess due to my deep rooted faith and belief in the ancient wisdom – ‘If u love someone, don’t need that person’[1]. And obviously love here stands in all its forms - romantic, non-romantic, amorous, or otherwise – in short all the fields that can be encompassed by the word responsibility. Hence I sit wondering if responsibility might at all accrue if one is detached and if responsibility is once picked up if one can afford to be detached…

Responsibility, I believe comes out as a duty of care, only when there is certain amount of attachment associated with the person. But again taking a mere glance at the fact that responsibility is the result of the care and love that one shares, how fair will it be to mar it with a dash of selfishness of attachment. Is love not selfless in essence? Love can actually be the purest and the truest (or even perhaps only true) only when there is an amount of detachment associated. Detachment however precludes the possibility of any responsibility cropping up. It is a pre-requirement that there is certain relationship existing for a responsibility. It seems so entangled at times to separate the two concepts of preexisting relation and responsibility. I believe so.

Perhaps to find happiness, or rather I should use the word bliss, the only way is through the path of detachment, since there shall be then no expectations to be shattered and no contrivance in the path of joy. Only the purest of form can yield the best and the happiest. However for the sake of this, it is never the way to let go off duties and responsibilities. ‘Detached Responsibility’ is hence perhaps the ‘middle path’ solution to this predicament. No matter how oxymoronic it is, no matter how quixotic it sounds…

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[1] Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, Queen of Dreams

Freedom at Midnight

Originally a post-comment for one of Gop's blogs at abt the end of April... But there is just too much of truth in it... So a separate entry for it all... For Gop's post, click the link Gopal Aravind in the side panel under 'Links'.....

"At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time."
---Nietzsche....

To put it straight, I feel that it has become a matter of subjectivity now... I don't understand the term 'everything'.. Cud u explain!!.. It means a fixed set of wants.. but the set goes on varying from person to person.. so ultimately it adds upto wanting a fixed set of objects and definitely not an overwhelming "EVERYTHING"...

It is true that we end up not giving to ourselves what we desire ...that we continue fighting the battle of 'odds' v. the 'wants'.. but does that mean that we do nit want to get free at all!! Dunn think so..!! The picture of self-realisation is according to me the one of utmost precision save the fact that man is alone up there.. to me if a person has realised the self then it is beyond the body.. It becomes a true amalgamation between the self and the 'all'.. there is no void at that point of time and place.. and it is all engulfed in one oneness that is so dear to us..

""The most successful men are those who are unafraid of giving themselves up to the brightest light. They know that their purpose is what is supreme. They work towards their goal. Life comes only once."" -- I second and if I had two votes wud have thirded as well.. it is the zest to achieve the chhoti si asha that makes us "all".

Shall not make a comment regrading the tools that are usually identified… They lie different to all individuals at different stages of perception and reality and hence individualistic...
But if education comes to the picture.. (taking a comprehensive definition of the word).. it definitly is one and the most primary.. as it is much much much beyond the institutions and formality.. it is life an experience in itself personified.... and hence yeah, it is true that in each of us there is a spark of enlightenment and a not so boring Plato hidden..

"Precisely the least, the softest, lightest, a lizard's rustling, a breath, a flash, a moment - a little makes the way of the best happiness."... U kno by whom this is...

The Poltergeist

The belief had turned into faith. I kno it now; there is sumthin uncanny and mysterious in my laptop. Perhaps a ghost! Yes! A ghost. Everytime with whatever problem it is taken to the service center, it wrks perfectly, never allowiun the problem to be detected. This is irritating. The problem wid its screen, which almost had been stifling me for the past month, simply vanished when it was sent to the service center at the oder end of the city – can be nuthin else bt a poltergeist.

However a ghost perhaps resides in every corner of our lives – in our thoughts, in our beliefs, in our understanding, in our world perception, in our mutual relationships, at our sides, here, there, everywhere. That is perhaps why there is a perpetual lack of stability in this world – a fidgety ghost perhaps pervades us all or else only me at least.

Seated in Court Room No.5 of the Supreme Court of India, my belief is getting strengthened. The matter that is being argued is abt some taxation matter and hence extremely boring. However it is interesting when it seems that the poltergeist of instability has pervaded this court room as well. Justice Kapadia himself it seems had delivered a judgement before, which was on a very similar fact situation – that is the basic contention of the petitioners and thus he prays that the same be applied here as well. However today he is adamant on the contrary and therefore the clash of arguments, sections and subsections – the unstable mantle of justice – the poltergeist playing.

The dance of instability stretches far beyond this court room. The lack of certainty is acute. The relationship which yesterday it seemed was filled with the promises of hope, one which I could clutch along to sustain, seems today to be of much lesser weight. It is not that in a matter of A vs. B, one party has to be at a fault alwz. If B refuses to accept the bond of a relation even A cannot help the situation. How long can one possibly wait! Even if one wishes to, the normal sensibility of a human being prompts him to move on. There’s no space to think abt certainty, nor abt stability – helpless at the game of the spirit or that of the ghost. The mind and the heart yearn to maintain the status quo of the matrix that existed yesterday. Somewhere seated in the soul the witch-master continues to chant, to tame that excited poltergeist – we continue to hope. The shadowy cloud might be for a span that’s temporary, beyond it there mght be light, and there might be Hope.

Perhaps this is why relationships do not have a reason; do not have a rule. They do not require one. In the sway of our expectations and hope, whatever seems apt, as we keep a hand on the heart, it is declared to be so.

I feel this is where the answer to all ‘uncanny’ness lies. No rule, no stoppages, no reason, no bindings, hence to come close and give a name to a relation has no direction of its own. Consequently there is no check on drifting apart and being torn to pieces altogether. Just to float on the ‘wings of poesy’ is hence what a relation is. A or B, neither is thus at fault, none had the responsibility to be bound or binding another. Relationships hence are the imprints of cacophonous tumult of uncertainty in the mind of an individual or a mismanaged nation/notion at the level of thought. What has its birth in the depths of perception (notwithstanding any rule or scheme) gives rise to the unstable sensation of ‘like’ or ‘dislike’. Hence it is ephemera, a reflection of uncertainty.

I believe that therefore, it is true that a ghost keeps dancing within us day-in and day-out. Without abiding by the rules of addition, subtraction, multiplication or division, it calculates the non-‘sense’ within us. Being kaputt, it shies away from the world, never revealing itself…… but only to some chosen witch-doctors…… just like my laptop……

The Monarch of a Rajan

Hmpppppppphhhhhhhhhhh……… it’s now time to get settled with sum bit of sanity that can be expected to be left in me at this hour after what I have got as a senior in Global Legal Associates… UFfffff.. what a man this Mr. Rajan Narain…. Apparently an advocate on record at the Supreme Court of India…and hence supreme are his whims and supreme are his mannerisms… there are certain basic rules that are to be followed in his regime.. Do NOT wish him Good Morning; wanna kno why?? Coz, as his version stands, he knos more than 150 pple…and hence if each starts wishing him and he starts wishing them back, that would waste some five of his precious minutes!!! He is this enormous guy who wears trousers that only cover 7/8th of his legs.. I dunno the logic behind that.. perhaps that saved the tailor a few precious minutes!!! And u can always see the stumbled socks at his ankle which due to some ‘elasticity’ problem fails to stay above the ankles. He does not like Windows XP as it is very flashy, and cannot stand Win98 coz that does nt allow popup blockers. Each time there’s a popup coming up, he shall be making the open statement that “If it is a porn…then it is nt mine… I do not see such things.” He does nt drink as well… bt when crates of alcohol come into the office, he is prompt in replying that they are the left overs frm a party that he had thrown and they are being taken away for his mother who has the habit of throwing parties…. And then he adds the proviso… “Do not think that pple at GLA jus kip drinking all day at wrk. And I don’t drink, they are fr my mother…”

In his office he assumes the figure of one of those medieval kings…who cannot survive without his train of attendants… every minute he uses his intercom at least twice to call in some one or the other for some or the other petty reason…apparently very strict abt discipline…and of course has the signature of a very shrt temper… But he never forgets to add the tag that “This office is not a concentration camp.. Feel free…” [the restrictions being implicit at every corner]

All’s fine with this comical character bt the time he lets me off at nght.. When its is scheduled to be at 6… he never lets off b4 8 in the least…. At times feel like running away frm all this… but still it’s the way to life and learning… he knos his stuff pretty well and guess that’s what matters at the end of the day…

A Cache of Billet-doux

In perhaps a strange juxtaposition with the serenity of the side bar of this blog that the pic that goes with this post is placed. It’s strange that I land up in storms pretty now and then… maybe personal, may be situational… but always the ones that elicit a strong reverberation from my brain. I just don’t get the fact that people in this world, are so frustrated and jobless that they go beyond the station of rationality to pervade (all so suddenly)[1] to the life that someone else is eking out for his own widout for the slightest stepping into the messy way of oders. And yes I support the use of the word ‘eking’, as I shall openly lay a challenge to any one for bringing in a life that is not deficient in some way or the other.

People talk about identity quite often… I find it pretty amusing… waddafuck!!![2] The confused state of someone’s existence or rather more precisely identity seems to be transposed in nosing into the private funs that someone else enjoys. Oh!!! If it is really about the identity that one questions then why not lead a life of security and sleep in peace instead of meddling into the nature and character of someone else… a someone else who shall never return you with anything but a smiling face!!! I don’t get the point of such hopeless cluelessness of a few ‘good’ men/women. The mere fact that someone invents a tacit measure to give expression to the unvented frustrations of fate, circumstance and ability, I once more find abominably amusing.

A storm raged through my place… a few days back… I stayed put to a lot… but the dust and the garbage shall enter… specially if u r put in the middle of a desert that is smeared with the phenomenon of dust.

As I stood by the edge of the terrace, the storm in my face, I guess I realized sumthing… regeneration is pricey, it is dear… I remember ‘what the thunder said’; I know “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”[3] I know that we shall survive the night in fact we have… just a few more facets revealed… and as the thunder whispered,

………Dayadham;
Shantih! Shantih! Shantih!

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[1] Reference to a particular dingy writeup that someone preferred posting either for or in someone else’s name…don’t ask abt the reasons… there seem not to be any.
[2] The first slang in the entire blog!!!
[3] Friedrich Nietzsche

A Storm Yet Again

Again I sit dwn to write about a storm, … I think it is abt a year now since I last wrote abt it… jus the same expressions … perhaps a bit more convoluted and a lot more observed… and ofcourse a change in the medium of expression…but that doesn’t matter at all I guess…after all any writing is “just a way of expression – a mouth”.

An internal conflict that was raging for quite some time now, was reaching its culmination, as the time around me was closing in with the end term exams approaching… I was thinking, pondering and wasting my time… my expression found its way through the vent of nature as I saw the whirling up of pure dust from the ground to the proximity of the sky… somehow at times they seemed to me like the manifestations of my confusion or rather my realizations that steam up within my soul trying to reach the ultimate level within my being… But that never lies realized… the dust never reach the sky…

The view on all sides of mine (as I stood on the terrace) was one of gloom, but that is to be sheared by the strong winds… as the clouds whiz past by the lightning scars, there seems to be an analogy between myself and nature.. let that be.. perhaps I now also don’t know what I am to be writing about… as I continue, the blog reverberates the darkness and the boredom that I signify…

Datta, Damyata, Dayadham,
Shantih, Shantih, Shantih…

The Doctrine of Eclipse....

The eclipse went by yesterday or today early morn.... Just raising a few queries in my mind which at the present moment lies jumbled up in a series of baffled emotions... But i guess reading these first few lines any teenager is gonna think that jus anoder addition in their bandwagon... Let them think wateva they wish to coz i give a damn...

Grief and happiness juxtapose each other throughout our existence... But can we straitjacket them...Can sumthing be referred to as sad and sumthing as good absolutely... Question??? So think....

With each passing moment, I see the eclipsing of my identity under the burden of the mask that i wear...I am baffled each time i try to figure out that whether i am really wearing a mask or is it just that this mask has become me...I wonder how i am beneath it? I wonder whether anyone cares to see me out of it... Or is it just that whatever is evident is what matters to those who are around me....? Again a question.. i need answers...

I am once again reminded of the writing of O'Henry - 'The Miracle of Lava Canyon'.... What is true.. what is material.. one that shows or the one that lies hidden away from the eyes of all that count.. I don't know...

The moon was getting engulfed in the darkness... I remained in mine own... Am I the shadow that is causing the eclipse of my ownself... or am I under the shadow of eclipse....?

The moon came out unscathed by the eclipse... but its bleeding tinge caught up with me.. Me behind the garb... When is the eclipse gonna end? I am waiting..... or perhaps not... I am merely watching....

After the fall

Yah its after a long time ... a long break.. but this is wat this ws supposed to be....rght Illusions? u shud remember that i meant to start this for the weird reason of givin sum kinda shape to the philo that i ramble all the time... :)

i think u can all see the slide show by the side of this... its exactly on such a morn that i again sit to write... a fundamental question peeks into my head... how far do we know our own selves... do we at all.... i tek myself to be one of those selfish giants who stroll their own garden for the sake of their own pathetic indulgence... bt what abt the checkered board called life.. the ups and dwns and all those that leave u affected, does it nt actually show that u cant actually be that aloof and callous that u make ur self feel... mght be.. think it over!!!

a sense of satisfaction at the moment surmounts me.... i hav survived.. nt only the some 20 years on the face of this country bt the fact that i have survived sum of my philosophies... nt to say that i have them proved wrong.. bt find certain exceptions in them...certain savings that helps u feel that the philo is nt all water tight....is nt absolute after alll [which u felt it is bt regretted]... strange tho it mght b bt the fact remains that its good to lose at times....

i see a smile... its holi... the season smiles...(the harshness of winter tho past..still lingers)... the sparrows seem to be smilin... the sun smiles after the lunar eclipse... even the moon manages a faint smile after the shadow cast hours... tanay smiles after the friends episode... krish smiles after i leave his room after buggin him fr an hour......

its time to conclude.. even i smile now... i see day after the night...