Unending Meanders

Where is ur end
Oh my oldest dear friend?
You the one on whom I've trodden so long;
Are life's cherished reality,
Are the poignant truth song.

A vagabond of my like is tethered to ur tune;
With ease he crosses the vales and sad dunes -
Sojourning through the meanders,
For he just wishes to know
Where this path shall lead him, & where he shall go!

Where the horizon meets the sky blue,
Whence the real assumes a fuzzy hue,
I perhaps see my friend,
There is no end to you...
Like a wisp of memory smeared
This road merges into another
With a new rhythm, starting anew.

The Redemption of a Stoic

I dont know what had been the real reason behind me turning into the present me, at least the me I am being for the past one month now, but I know tht I had not borne a lot of things well - at least not with the grace with which I expect myself to carry things about.

Yes, I hv my own set of problems much lyk anyone else around me, but i pause to think now whether that is reason enough to push back those who are tryng to help! But i cant but blame circumstances and not myself fr all that is transpiring. After all, one has to halt somewher and ask as to how much is expected out of ones ownself. I am not going to go into the whole deal abt 'that is lyf' and 'thats hw thngs are' sort of crap.

I mean look at me... I personally cant believe tht this is the same me that has alws been singing out loud abt Stoicism and all blah, who has now to sit and write this. I guess the beginning of the journey ahead shud be with an admission of guilt, an admission of failure. [Again there it pinches!! My ego hurts to do this!! After all had trouble at home, lost Whiskey, friends are dispersing fast, getting vulnerable, becoming a true cynic infact! So wht was I supposed to have done..]

I guess its true that a tree which bends in the wind does nt break. The root of my problems lie in the fact that i refused to be that tree. Standng upryt with all my ego all these years, refusing to admit my own fallacy has finally led me to this brink. I cant help but smile now at least - that i realised this. I mean ths is not the end of my stoicism but just gettin it renewed for a second round (then agn may be this is just another fallacious reasoning of mine).. The redemption of a stoic i suppose can never be that easy; specially for one who has failed once before.. The lifelong payment that needs to b made in compensation is perhaps this confusion, one that stems from the disloyalty that has been exhibited before. Its about accepting this at face value and moving on to make the best out of the rest. There perhaps is no end to the unending meanders inside one's own mind, and hence like everything else, there is no absolute redemption as well...

To Them and Just Them

Its the early hours of a Saturday morning... hav spent the evening and the night playing 29 and the remaining hour watching Boston Legal, seeing Denny and Allan celebrate their friendship on that terrace for the 'n'th number of time... And right then the net came back on.. It was an automatic reaction to get back to Orkut and check that thread on Mrs. Goswami's farewell..

I dont know; I am finding it extremely difficult to cope with the proposition that both Goswami and Dantes are retiring in a matter of one year... In fact to make things more ironic Ma'am retires today. Preposterous!!!

I know that I have a huge propensity of getting institutionalised. But then again, this is not just about them alone.. Goswami and Dantes are somewhere very tightly packed together with other memories that involves a lot many other people and yeah, some other memories as well.. For them to retire is kind of like the knell sounding for everything..

I dont know, to be honest, how to react. Right from the time, day before, I came to know about Dantes retiring as well, well, I am not well. At first I thought that I shall unjoin from all the school related forums on Orkut. I dont know why that ever crossed my mind. I guess its an angry rush at everything. Yes! for once I am angry that I am growing old... I am angry that the world is trying to tell me that its normal - no its not, come on, how can it be so to realise that all that you cherish shall and is coming to a halt!!!! And yes, I've read those fancy lines about these things being like a chapter coming to an end - BULLSHIT!!! This is the bloody whole book ending. I didnt ask for it - so bloody hell I've a right to be angry.

"For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone."

These lines were first explained by Mr. Dantes quite a few years back. In all my sincerity I believed that I understood them, only to realise today that then I knew only a part of it. The tremendous craving of an individual to keep even memories to himself, safe and wrapped up, attempting to relish them forever for one's own self-fulfillment is indeed painful and perhaps the primordial 'error'.

Goswami and Dantes kind of represents my idealism, my hope, my dreams, may be because it was largely for them that I learnt to dream. Its indeed a mad rush now inside my brain - I can see Goswami shouting (literally) in class about Tom Brown's Schooldays, her innumerable quips; I can see Dantes reading out 'Et tu Brute!', as also never agreeing with my interpretation of the last lines of 'Song of Myself'... But this is how I learnt to dream.

I dont know, why I am typing this out and that too publishing it on the net. My blog has always been about nostalgia I guess; be it the post on returning home for Pujo or the picture albums of Manipal, Jaisalmer, New York.... I know that this coming summer shall be the last one that we school friends shall be able to spend together.. Life forcing us out of the immediate life of each other.. Goswami retiring today, and Dantes a year after... Amidst all this may be this is my means of having a cathartic remedy of the malady of my life.....