Suddhasattwa Brahma --> Priyodorshi Banerjee I think we, the bengali middle class, have finally achieved the height of our cultural ascendancy. If you don't believe me listen, rather watch, to the song "Khokababu jay......". Finally a cultural revolution beyond Rabindranath and Jibanananda.....
hmm.. gombheer... koto bibhinno store amar mostishko je chhitke chhitke chotke gelo ta ei bhor ratre kawthay likhte bosha boroi chitto damadol'kor ek enterprise... tao onek gulo kotha shotti'i mone holo...
keno jani na video ta dekhe amar mone holo kothao ekta ascendancy bote... tobe horek proshno.. thik kishe ascendancy? kar ascendancy? keno ascendancy? ar ektu toliye dekhle boro "bhobo-unmaad'kor" kishob conclusion berochche.. ek post'e shesh hobe ki??
jodi amar monei holo ascendancy, tobe keno emon mone holo?? karon amader khub porichito Bollywood naach gaan gulo to prai hubuhu ei dhoroner ... of course aro komor jhakate hobe, maati-boma guloke agun boma banate hobe aro koto ki... kintu e to ekkebare ghore toiri marathi khabar.. bhalo lagbe na keno... tahole motamuti besh bhaloi amra onyer moto hoye uthte pari... khub shohoje tahole 'adapt' kore nite pari... erokom poromarthik ascendancy bhalo to lagbei.. bah!!
tobe etar credit kar??? oi bengali middle classer dike jehetu tui angul tulli, tai amay abaro bhabte boshte holo.. boro durbol oi 'class'tar proti.. of course ekta middle class production team full of bengalees oi tollygunje'er studio ar poilan'er mathe ghate otibo porishrom kore ei ascendancy ene diyechhe.. toh??? ei 'totum pro parte' ta to thik noy bondhu.. middle-class production team'er ei cultural ascendancy to somogro bengali middle class'er bhitor biliye dewa jabe na.. sheta onyay... je jeta koreni, shetar credit she pabe na.. hahaha
tobe khub swabhabik proshno.. jei koruk ojotha emon korbe keno... motivation chhara ki keu emni emni emon ascendancy pai?? na na keu ta pai na.. motivation ta kintu amar khub binoto mot'e 'cattle-class'er [kottor marxbadi'der boli, bhasha porimarjoniyo], thik oto ta middle class'er noy... jodi abar karur oi cattle class jukti ti'r proti birodh thake tobe marxbadi'der line dhore boli, desh'er reservation dorkar karon koto ekta bishal shotangsho (shottor'er opore) oi kono na kono bishesh class dhari, ebong sod orthe middle class noy.... kintu aha tarao to bajar.. kichhu bechar bajar, kichhu beche khawar bajar.. tai ei bajar tai shob byajar kore dilo re... khete shobai chai, bangali boro bhojon roshik, tai 2pice peye roshogolla-pantua boroi upadeyo... tai oi middle class chhora chhokra'r team ta emon ascendancy'r motivation pai... middle-class'er ar koto tuku obodaan....
punoshcho: ami apatoto kolkatay... bengalee der ei ascendancy sombondhe sompurno 'onwakibohal' chhilam.... ordho golardho duur theke ei revolution'er baani amar kaane pouchholo... prrithiba te je boroi chhoto jodi onno kothao shuto badha thake, eta bhebeo hothat mon'ta kemon udash ar bhalo ek sathe hoye gelo...
It all started when Krishnendu and I sat down one night to discern what happiness is! Some very old questions that popped in our minds were – what is the ambit of ‘Happiness’; what is ‘Unhappiness’ then; what is the correlation between the two!! Whatever I say, whatever I theorize hereinafter, I must admit that the continued pervasion of life with ‘strife’, ‘conflict’, ‘misery’ and the like leads (rather misleads) to the conclusion that Happiness does not exist at all. However this theory is not a general one regarding happiness as such… this theory essentially explores ‘what if’ the a priori assumption of non-existence of Happiness is true. The purpose of this exercise in particular does not concern Happiness in fact but merely attempts to find a logical conclusion of death in a system in which Happiness simply does not exist & life is essentially a treatment in Unhappiness.
Like any other theory, this one also has a couple of assumptions – these are the ‘a priori’, which we assume as true. The veracity of these assumptions can and I promise shall be debated at some later time. (To give away the truth, I myself have serious questions as to their correctness, but nonetheless it doesn’t concern me here.)
The Assumptions
1. Happiness does not exist
2. Unhappiness permeates Human Life
The Definition of Variables
I. ‘L’ is the variable for individual human life which can exist in either of two states – when one is alive & when one is dead. Therefore,
a. L = 1, shall imply that an individual is alive
b. L = 0, shall imply that an individual is dead
II. ‘U’ is the variable for individual human unhappiness which also can exist in either of two states.
a. U = 1, shall imply the existence of unhappiness
b. U = 0, shall imply the cessation of unhappiness
III. Both ‘L’ and ‘U’ denote the state of the variables and not their quantity.
What might bother someone is the practical reconciliation of emotions usually experienced and termed as ‘Happiness’ within such a framework. It is to be noted that happiness is only relative unhappiness. To explain, suppose ‘A’ is possessed with 2units of ‘U’ while B has 3units of ‘U’. This would effectively imply that A is happier than B because A has lesser quantity of unhappiness than B. Hence Happiness is only relative Unhappiness!
The Principle
The value of ‘U’ shall be ‘1’ ONLY IF the value of ‘L’ is ‘1’
The Explanation and Implications
The principle is significant as it stands. There is certainly the possibility of drawing corollaries from the same – however it is important to avoid a few logical errors while deriving one.
The Principle DOES NOT imply that U=0 when L=0. Had it been so, it would imply that with the cessation of human life effective happiness increases, since U is reduced to non-existence.
However, due to ‘ONLY IF’ operator in the Principle, ‘U’ shall come into existence only when L=1. Hence any study of ‘U’ shall be subject to the fact that ‘L’ remains as ‘1’. Therefore if L=0, then ‘U’ does not come into play at all.
To further explain, when ΣL=0, there shall be no perception of ‘U’ or ΣU at all (where Σ represents the function for the entire humankind). In such a situation there shall be no concept of either ‘Happiness’ or ‘Unhappiness’.
Hence, it CANNOT be claimed that death breeds happiness! That is, cessation of human life shall in no circumstance lead to decrease of relative unhappiness!
“Not that anything of moment happened that morning. It was simply a non momentous day in a momentous time. A day to sit and wait for the seconds, hours and minutes to tick.” [1]. Nothing happened either that morning or the night prior, or even during the week that ensued.
The micro and the macro analysis are ever so different be that of what it is. Yes, the broader picture of me remaining as morbid as I usually am, never changed. Something sublime just stirred deep within somewhere at too micro a plane but somehow managing forever to remain innocuous to one and all.. to everyone, somehow defying the much hyped – Butterfly Effect!!
Someone just got liberated! Nahh! That didn’t sound huge. But for heaven’s sake I am screaming out loud that someone just got LIBERATED! Liberation at the level of an individual, a liberation from the estrangement that we choose to perpetuate with each breath of ours, demolishing the alienation that causes me to hold on to my ego and not reach out even when I know I should, breaking free from all that pushes an individual to choose oblivion. Someone just got liberated!
A friend just died… not literally may be… but definitely he died. Death to me today represents a barrier between me and my realizations. And perhaps also a barrier between the ‘ought’ and the ‘is’! Death physically represents a distance, a distance that is an incentive itself – ballyhooing all that is lost and all the ‘to be achieved’ and ‘to be realized’ organized on the other side. He just crossed that line; I am left behind. That he has reached the other side is death, a death in the civil society that I live in. He left his alienation behind. He made even the ennui of time seem momentous!
Liberty no longer remains as a definable word to me. It no longer implies to me the freedom from external control – it rather is now, the independence from my own confinements created by the alienation that pervades my existence; it is the shearing of that very same estrangement that demarcates the line between me and death, between me and my friend. Goodbye Tanay!
I guess something is surely very wrong with me… this time as I am going back to Kolkata, it is not the hundred percent of me that is having this overwhelming happiness for the event… this is not to say that I do not wanna go back… but just that I am not totally gaga over this… guess, people change with time… and that I have. Half of me wanted to stay back at the university… I dunno perhaps the crazy schedule also affords some kind of a security that is totally not there as I take this way back home… my life, its uncertainties, its romanticism for Bohemia is all perhaps personified by the university life… man, I miss it… I miss the late night bakchodis, I miss the all so many weird people… I miss the little duties that have been entrusted upon me – waking people up… cant let go off this beloved alarm clock duty of mine… called up Gop even today as I sat on the pavement outside the terminal… only the guy was up and hogging at the mess…
I always thought that educated India has gone beyond that phase of having too many children. Just at this point sitting right infront of me is a couple with four kids…. Fuck!! Four. How do hey manage for heaven’s sake… and all of them girls… and the parents look all too educated… educated my foot… rabbitish fools.
The CCD sandwiches and coffee is really beckoning me… but I have promised myself that I shall not be allowing that grab before noon… and it is only 9 20… fine I shall survive… I plan to catch a movie and move on to Kolkata… lets see.. shall definitely add up to let know about the outcome… remember I am all too shifty to be actually abiding by a plan even though it is me who has formulated it… hahaha… [;-D]
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Okay it is eleven only now, I could not hold it any longer and so I have got a sandwich for my self… the damn paneer sandwich is 79 bucks… anyday I shall prefer our good old Janta over this rubbish…
To make things worse, some guy just came over from nowhere to plug out the charge point from my laptop claiming that the power source is not meant for this but something else. Fuck them all!!!! So here I guess will be the end of the writing part of the journey… I m already half way through the thing… spent more than four hours already… just when I was planning to catch a movie on ma laptop that this had to happen…
I guess it is right as well in someway or the other… it is time again to do some justice to good ole Salinger…
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Okay it is now about 3 10, and there is still some two hours for the flight. I have security checked in and all and have perhaps got one of the window seats with that smile of mine. [;)] Now there is really some updates to be registered for the intervening three hours. At the very beginning it is a happy note to update that I have once more got hold of a power source for my laptop…
Okay the first one and a half hours after I shut down my lappy had been one those the boring times I have been through. Had nothing else to do and just sat there with my sandwich and ate it with all the finesse that I could muster. Decided to take out the book once more… but just that I was not in the right mood for it. Kept on dozing off in between. Those on and off kind off doses of dozings. I could see new faces around me. The old crowd have got through the boarding and perhaps by now have even reached their destinations and here I am all stuck up. A gang of foreigners then gathered around me at the lobby. They were pleasant and not very showy and flashy kind of. In fact a bunch of elderly people. But since I could not strike up a conversation, it meant nothing to me. To my right the seats were occupied by a group of four young guys. I did not like them at all… but again I am judging by appearances. They were precisely the kind of people I usually dislike at the first glance… giggling, showy, talking in crude Hindi… just yuck. So I kept dozing on and off.
Finally at around 12 30 I decided that I had had enough of this boredom, so decided to just move out of the airport to have a smoke, after all how long am I supposed to be without them, specially left all to myself, bored.
Walked up to the gate, but was intercepted by the guard there.
Bhaiyan ekbar jaane dijiye na, Flight to sham ko hai.
To andar kya kar rahe hain.
Arre! Jaye to kaha jaye. Isliye aa gaye iha pe…
Phir andar hi rahiye…
Fine man, there’s exactly where I have been keeping. But I had no intention of going back to my old seat, specially as that bunch of stupids kept on ogling me as I was having this ‘beautiful’ time at the gate to get out of the place for a while. I walked to the other end of the lobby to find a Baskin Robbins counter. Aha! Ice-creams can cool me off for a while, but there is some four and a half more hours to spend in this god damn place.
I sat in front of one of those tourist shops selling one and everything from cigarettes to books. Finished my alphonso flavored ice-cream taking as much of time as possible but not letting my thing becoming a milkshake in place of ice-cream.
It is then that it caught my eye, right in front of me was a board for a lounge and a bar, and luckily enough it was open. There could have been no doubt as to my next course of action. Just walked in through the door… the AC was strong… seemed like a pretty cool place, and for my boredom I was ready to shell out anything for a beer and a few fags.
The guy at the place informed me that although smoking is allowed, there are no smokes with them, and that I had to get it for myself from the bookshop just outside. I walked out to get a pack… Gold Flakes at last.
Ordered for a beer and sat down in one of the corners. In fact I had to share my table with one of the other passengers as there were only a few tables in the smoking area. The guy seemed a great company, precisely the sort I would have liked at the moment, did not utter a word, the suited up gentleman was busy with his own beer and was engrossed in his laptop. One table from my seat, there was this one lady, seemed like a foreigner to me had been using an IBM… hahaha, it reminded me of Gop and his immense obsession with his IBM, the poor guy must be just through his Economics test…. This is one respite, I need not be giving all those crappy tests all through the week.
The gentleman at my table soon left paying his bills. And I was joined by a young guy, who seemed to be travelling alone as well, and suited the timing as he as well did not spend a word with me… it is not that I do not like to be alone to myself, just that I should not get bored, and with a beer, smokes and Salinger there was no chance of that.
Soon one more chap joined us. I guy in his mid thirties it seemed. He came to the table for the same reason as mine – due to the scarcity of seats in the smoking zone. But this guy seemed like one of those phonies who are always putting on a show to prove a point, which God knows what actually is. Immediately as he joined the table, he received a call and started talking in one of those fake foreign accents which pisses me off to any extent. I simply do not get to fathom the fact why people actually need an accent to be sported. And yes I eavesdropped a bit on the conversation over the phone, in fact I needed not to eavesdrop – if someone sits across the table and talks even normally then also the conversation is bound to enter your ears.
One funny thing was happening all the time. Time and again, the Kingfisher airlines cute chicks were checking on the passengers and letting them know about the flight that was boarding and stuff. The show off guy was over eager, or so it seemed to me, to let the others know that he is heading for Mumbai. When the lady asked me if I was heading for Poona, I decided to just say no, never letting the others know where I am heading. Creating this odd aura of some mystery about myself is one of the age old habits of mine and I kind of like it, though deep down some where I know that it is kind of sasta. But who the hell cares, I just want to have some entertainment for myself as I sit there drinking my beer and fagging one stick after the other.
The oversmart guy and the other one struck up a conversation over a matchbox that the smartass had to borrow. Subsequently as the bloke wanted a fag from the other guy which he did not have I thought that it shall be fun to offer him one from my pack. I did so, and was drawn into the conversation quicksand. I kept mostly to ‘Yes’es and ‘No’s and smiles coz for some reason I did not like the idea about taking to the fellow. I know even this is cheap in a way to be acting pricey and all, but I just cant keep blabbering to someone whom I don’t really like.
The beer and all just reminded me of Vish a lot. It would have been fun if he had been around. It is just a matter of getting him high to be talking about one and all things. It is fun. Felt like calling him up. But again I am running a bit low on balance after Mokka spent almost the whole of the balance the night we made up our differences. But I am happy that he did that, it showed that there is no longer any coldness between the two of us. I am happy. I do not exactly have any girlfriend to spend the balance on… so it is not an issue for me with the balance. In fact it is good that I shall be getting the money back in cash, which I desperately need… Evil I am. Hahaha.
It happened that the oversmart had to leave before the other one. So subsequently I started talking to the guy. It was not about any topic as such… general stuff about what we did and studied and where he worked. Honestly, I do not even remember what he said about all that stuff. He was pleasant to talk to. It is always great fun to have company over a beer and as you are downing some nine cigarettes. He also borrowed some two fags from me, and I did not mind that.
However I guess no one at the airport was actually putting up over there for ten hours. So soon it was time for him to leave. But by this time I have already spent some one and a half hours at the bar. Worth the time. After the guy left, I was left with about half a glass of beer… I was taking it a bit slow… I had to kill time somehow. A lady joined in at the table next with her laptop and a cup of tea. And guess the make of the laptop. Yes! IBM… it seems that everything in my life is so linked up with NLU… if only I could have giggled to myself, would have loved it. Gop would have certainly liked the idea of being surrounded by IBMs, but they indeed do have lousy speakers – the one thing I am proud of in my lousy laptop. By 3 05, I have downed my beer and some ten fags and had paid the dirty costly 480 bucks for those two bottles of Kingfisher Lager. Am I growing into a perfect German or what, I’ll tell you why. I have not had a single gulp of water since last evening but here I am throating beer… even when I preferred other drinks to it much more. [;D]
I checked in after that, and as I said managed a window seat… and at the time when I am finishing typing this ramblings of ‘nothings’ or ‘for nothings’, it is already 4 15 almost. I have doused the lousy time. And yes there is one good thing about such a long wait, you get to see sexy airhostesses, cool passengers, some of them hot and steaming and yes, you do get to have beer if you know exactly where to look for it.
It is now just a wait of two hours… and I shall be there right in the middle of a hustle of activities, the exact thing for which I am taking the pain of this excruciating long wait…
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Oh! Wait, I am here again to make one more last entry to this one, in the form of a post script. As my wait was coming to an end and I was packing my things up, there came this voice from the PAS. The flight is delayed by forty five minutes. Fuck these bitches. Man not again. But I guess I have to bear this much, though I understand that I shall be missing a few ceremonies at the very beginning of the festival. Adios, now. I am too bugged…. Can’t think of anything else at the point…
I knew it, just never realised it... A few things are granted to you just because u hav been a successful actor..one who can put up a show of bravery and courage.. U might lose a lot on the way, but u stand tall to gain some at least.. And when u pull down that curtain u again gain a few things, like the throbbing of a true soul that cares, but u also lose out on some accounts.. The gifts that were allotted on the assumption of the 'act' are somewhy taken back.. These are the moments u actually do not feel like going back to explain the the thin line that exists between the act and the person.. It might sound defensive but can't really help, that it must be proper to at least give a thought that it is actually the same person playing both the roles.. It is just too hard to distinguish between the two characters and discard one as the unreal..
I know now, once the gift had been taken back, that it was meant for the other me which could at all prices maintain the outer facade... Perhaps it will do that from now on.. But only perhaps coz moments of desperation loom large... I guess it is just time for me to finish this play and start a new one.. But do not know for sure whether the time is ripe.. My job is over.. Just groping for the restart button..
A word of gratitude to you and to all those who made the play a success..
