The Redemption of a Stoic

I dont know what had been the real reason behind me turning into the present me, at least the me I am being for the past one month now, but I know tht I had not borne a lot of things well - at least not with the grace with which I expect myself to carry things about.

Yes, I hv my own set of problems much lyk anyone else around me, but i pause to think now whether that is reason enough to push back those who are tryng to help! But i cant but blame circumstances and not myself fr all that is transpiring. After all, one has to halt somewher and ask as to how much is expected out of ones ownself. I am not going to go into the whole deal abt 'that is lyf' and 'thats hw thngs are' sort of crap.

I mean look at me... I personally cant believe tht this is the same me that has alws been singing out loud abt Stoicism and all blah, who has now to sit and write this. I guess the beginning of the journey ahead shud be with an admission of guilt, an admission of failure. [Again there it pinches!! My ego hurts to do this!! After all had trouble at home, lost Whiskey, friends are dispersing fast, getting vulnerable, becoming a true cynic infact! So wht was I supposed to have done..]

I guess its true that a tree which bends in the wind does nt break. The root of my problems lie in the fact that i refused to be that tree. Standng upryt with all my ego all these years, refusing to admit my own fallacy has finally led me to this brink. I cant help but smile now at least - that i realised this. I mean ths is not the end of my stoicism but just gettin it renewed for a second round (then agn may be this is just another fallacious reasoning of mine).. The redemption of a stoic i suppose can never be that easy; specially for one who has failed once before.. The lifelong payment that needs to b made in compensation is perhaps this confusion, one that stems from the disloyalty that has been exhibited before. Its about accepting this at face value and moving on to make the best out of the rest. There perhaps is no end to the unending meanders inside one's own mind, and hence like everything else, there is no absolute redemption as well...